Shining Star

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world"

A month ago, I wouldn't have given this statement a second thought after reading it. Now it's a thought that runs through my mind every single night as I look to the sky above. 

When I walked through my door after being released from the hospital, other than my girls screaming out Mommy as they ran into my arms, I hear Brooke say "Mommy, did the baby come out yet?" I do believe it's the most difficult question I've ever been asked in my entire life. I had two days prior to going home to ponder up the perfect answer for her, since I knew it was going to be her first question when she seen me. Rob and I spent many hours discussing how we would explain the whole situation to Brooke, but how in the name of God do you do that? What could we say to make her understand, but at the same time shelter her from knowing too much? We didn't want to use the word 'death' as I don't want that word to exist in my soon-to-be four year old's vocabulary just yet. So what exactly do I say to her to help her understand a very difficult and touchy situation for a young child?

My answer?

As tears began to stream down my face, I led her to the couch and told her there was something very important that I had to tell her. As she sat on the couch so innocently, I knelt down in front of her all while trying to put on a strong face. I told her that Emma came out, but she was a very special baby girl, that she had wings, like all of the beautiful angels up in heaven. I continued to tell her that Heaven needs Emma more than we do, because she was so special, she had to go be with the rest of the angels who had wings like her. My strong face broke as I fell into her arms and cried. I reassured her that Emma loves us all very much and will always be in our hearts, forever. She looked into my eyes and I knew, she knew my heart was broken - she took my lead and a few tears streamed down her face. Rob and I explained to her that we're all very sad and that we'll always miss Emma, but it's absolutely fine to cry because it helps us feel better.

Was that the answer I wanted to give Brooke? No.
Could I have provided her a better answer if I could do it again? No

She understood to a point, but didn't come close to understanding the concept of what happened. Later that night as Rob and I tucked her in, gave her kisses, and shut her door we hear her begin to weep. As her sobs grew louder we hear her say "I miss Emma, I want to see Emma." We went in, sat on her bed and held her. We then thought of something that could be a little easier for her to understand. We explained that when she looks to the sky at night, all the stars that are twinkling in the sky are angels, and that Emma is one of those stars looking down at us. And just like that, that was the answer that made her calm. As I gazed into her eyes, I knew that was the answer she understood and was willing to accept...that she was going to be okay.   

As I scoured the internet a few days later for a poem to have at Emma's service, I stumbled upon this:

Shining Star I see you, out front of my door each night.
    As if you are trying to tell me that my Emma is alright.
    Are you her halo's light I see, as I look to the sky each night?
   If in deed you are my daughter, just know that I'm alright.
   As long as I can see you when I look to the sky each night.
      My Little Angel Emma and her halo's shining light.



Being a lost soul, just like Brooke, I felt the need for guidance, stability, for something to just make sense. The moment my eyes skimmed over this poem, it was like something fell into place - two dots were connected. Somehow, I felt that the whole 'star' explanation was meant to be.

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world"

As I look to the sky each night, I look to Emma - who I know, in turn, is looking down at me. This is something that my family will live by for the rest of our lives. I've spent the past week in very deep thought about how two tiny feet, changed my family's view of the night sky forever. I no longer look at the sky as just being space beyond earth, it's now a connection to my Angel in the heaven above.