A Bitter-Sweet Beginning

"...Meanwhile I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even bothers to look up."

It's days like today that leave me in need of an output, some way to release everything I feel inside and out, a way to lift the weight from my shoulder as I gasp for a breath of fresh air. 

21 weeks ago today I became pregnant with my third child.
Having a past history of pre-term birth lodged great worries in my head. I went into labour with my second daughter at 28 weeks. With an almost 2 year old, I lay in a hospital bed, five hours away from home. I gave birth at 30 weeks and 4 days gestation. Lauren weighed a mere 3lbs 7.5oz. Our lives were turned upside down. Is she going to be okay? Will she be okay down the road? How long will she have to remain in the hospital? How will myself and my boyfriend afford to make the weekly 5 hours drive to visit on weekends and then the 5 hour drive back home. All the meanwhile, trying to maintain a job, pay bills, and remain supportive parents at home with our soon to be 2 year old daughter. Well we survived, we all came out on top, beat up, but stronger than ever.

My past history of pre-term birth has been worrisome enough during the past 21 weeks. Along with the fact that this has been a problem pregnancy with bleeding, pressure, cramping...many extra hospital visits and an excess amount of ultrasounds. Along with a miscarriage scare in my first trimester. All while juggling our Building Representative job, that restricts us to our buildings nearly 24/7 AND being parents to a soon to be 4 and 2 year old. How do we do it? Good question... In the meantime, at 19 weeks gestation I received word of having tested positive of being high risk for baby having Trisomy 18 (with chances of 1/150). Great, even more to worry about, more nearly-impossible appointments to attend to. Plus who will watch the girls?

Today, I attended an Ultrasound in Hamilton, followed my a meeting with both a Genetic Counsellor and Specialized Doctor. (Luckily, my father-in-law offered to watch the girls as we headed out for my appointment at 6am and our very understand co-worker agreed to cover our building as need be.) I watched the screen attentively as the Ultrasound Tech ran the camera across my stomach over and over again. All I could think is, "My god, this baby girl is absolutely beautiful in 2D, how much more beautiful would she be in real life?" After the Ultrasound was complete, myself and my boyfriend quickly made our way through the maze of a hospital to meet with the Genetic Counsellor. She explained how during my IPS Screening, they tested 5 different proteins in my blood, those numbers should fall around 1.00, but 3 out of 5 of my numbers were below 1.00. One number fell at 0.17, another at 0.49. This didn't make me feel so great until she stated that generally babies with Trisomy 18 would give an IPS result of all 5 numbers being low (we took one step back, then one step forward) She said my ultrasound result came back fine, EXCEPT, baby's hands were clenched, with fingers overlapped. This being a classic telltale sign of baby having Trisomy 18 (and back another step we go).

For people who aren't quite aware of what Trisomy 18 is, the doctor quoted it as being "A disease that's incompatible with life." Babies chances of surviving until birth is 1/3000. If baby does make it to birth, baby has severe mental retardation and severe birth defects. The average life expectancy of a baby who does make it to birth with Trisomy 18 is 5-15 days, with less than a 1% chance of making it to adulthood. Those statistics just makes me hang my head as a tear escapes from the corner of my eye.

Following my meeting with the Doctors, they managed to fit me in for an Amniocentesis, which it the ONLY way to know for sure if our baby girl is going to be okay or not. Helplessly, I laid on the bed as a nurse used the Ultrasound Camera to guide the Doctor, who inserted a needle through my abdomen, through my uterus, into into my womb, and extracted 3 syringes of amniotic fluid from right next to our baby girl.

Now all that's left to do is attempt to stay positive and just wait...
...wait for the good
...wait for the bad

It's days like today that my heart aches so severely for my family. Nothing has ever been easy for us. I feel terrible for my boyfriend who has to deal with all of my frustrations, all the worries of this pregnancy, who remains a good father to our two girls, AND does 100% of our required two person job. In the meantime, being a supportive, understanding boyfriend. Our two girls bare the effects of our stresses as well. I often feel a failure when I need to lay down and rest, when I can't play with them when they demand it. I hate not being able to put my 2 year old to bed because lifting her into her crib sets my stomach pains into high gear. Both girls miss me while I attend endless amounts of appointments and when I'm out of commission in bed. I also feel for my wonderful mother who stated tonight, "The worst part of being a parent is when your child is in pain and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it." My mom, my best friend, understands as well as feels all of my concerns and pain. And also carries the weight of my problems on her own shoulders.


I feel so bad that everyone else is coping with this, just like I am. I feel like I should shelter my girls from our issues more, but it's seems so impossible. Am I a failure? Am I weak? I don't know those answers, but I sure feel as if I am. Being the mother and house-wife that I SHOULD and WANT to be seems so impossible to me right now. I often just want to go to bed and stay there until I wake up from this current nightmare, but I can't be selfish. My girls and boyfriend deserve better...I'm reaching for that better but just can't seem to grasp a hold of it. 

May this blog be an output for all my feelings, worries, and fears because the weight on my shoulders is getting too much to bare.

Here's to a bitter-sweet beginning.

- Mandy -

                                                   Today's Ultrasound (21 Weeks)