A Year Later

So the fact that I have been non-existent for the past year has not gone unrecognized. Even though I was fairly new to the blogging world, I found it to be a great outlet and really enjoyed the small community that began to form around me. Having that said, my life has been so ridiculously chaotic and upside down that I, for 1. cannot find the time, nor would I ever be able to dedicate that much time to writing about it all. 2. I down right prefer not to share it all. As much as I like blogging, I think the purpose of doing so varies from person to person. Some people have dedication, some don't. But it's a "to each their own" type of deal. I am more on the quiet side when it comes to what I share and who I share it with. Sharing within such a populated area cracks the door into drama world...and I can't even think about being in drama world anymore. But in turn, even though I am not a dedicated blogger, I still make daily visits to my favorite blogs and thoroughly enjoy having that connection. I read a blog or two, other people read the newspaper.

With that said, I will give you a glimpse into the past year of my life.

loss in many aspects

heartbreaks and heartaches

family feuds

drama

giving up

damage...sooo much damage

crutial decisions

strength

dedication

learning to forgive

learning to accept

positive thinking

(Thinking positive. I swear one day it will eventually come natural)

and an entire year of firsts that should have been experienced with 5

It's been a year of battling my own self every step of the way, living in a world that had been flipped upside down over and over again, being numb from feeling so much pain, being drove beyond my furthest limits, and all of a sudden bouncing back...thinking positive (if I haven't already mentioned that). You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option. But as terrible as it was to have my world collapse from beneath my feet, being driven so far beyond my limits really made me put things into perspective. If I've learned anything during this past year, it's who really means what in my life. Having been through my worst, it's about looking back and realizing who played what role during those times. The select few who were by my side every step of the way. The ones who just stepped back. The ones who listened and the ones who couldn't have cared less. The ones who made bad situations worse, both intentionally and unintentionally. The ones who treated me like me and not a porcelain doll. It's realizing who cared and who never did. It was actually quite sad when I put it all into focus, so the past year has been all about being tested, coping, accepting, and learning.

I've heard so many people say the phrase "letting go" in a sentence. As a matter of fact, I'm guilty as charged. But just recently I've realized that the only ones were fooling are ourselves. No matter how much I try to make myself let go of things, I cannot do it! I cannot do it. I was actually devastated and felt like such a failure when I came to this realization. I've spent so many years trying to fix myself until finally I realized I couldn't. I just have to learn how to cope with it all and deal with thing in a constructive manner...THINK POSITIVE! Knowing that I will never be 100%, I will never not hurt, makes me feel tainted. But I don't have to let go, I don't have to not cry, I don't have to be 100%...I just have to be okay. I'm getting there. Being okay is within reach, but it's just out of my grasp.

"When she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about.
It's hanging on when your heart has had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up.
I've seen the light, it's in my daughter's eyes.”

March of last year, I mourned.

This year I mourned, celebrated, and honoured

"A moment in my arms

A lifetime in my heart"